gonna make you sweat

In an attempt to get healthy (or in a fit of insanity, I'm still not sure), I have joined a gym.

Yeah, I only wish it was that kind of gym.  That one might not kick my ass as badly as the one I actually joined.  No jungle gym for me.  We're talking mirrored walls, tons of beautiful people working out and making it look so easy I want to smack them, and equipment that I'm sure is one step away from being considered a Medieval torture device.

So far I've committed to going three nights a week, which is good, because I am in such bad shape, I think anything more would kill me.  Seriously.  Plus, my doctor also says that doing 15 minutes three times a week is the perfect way for me to get started.

I know that logically, I'm doing it for health reasons.  I'm doing it because I'm genetically predisposed to diabetes and hypertension.  I'm doing it because my back and knees suck and I want to be able to walk more than a few feet without crying.  I'm doing it to build up endurance and, yes, to lose weight.

This adventure I've decided to undertake now also includes some dietary restrictions - good bye sugar, potato chips and fast food.  It's been nice knowing you.  You've been replaced by granola bars, yogourt and fruit.  This has actually been the easy part, though the caffeine withdrawal headaches when I gave up my single morning cup of coffee were brutal.

The most difficult part about all this is how I feel about it, psychologically.  As I said, this has mostly been health-motivated.  However, for reasons I've never really understood, once you lose a few pounds, people constantly tell you how "good" you look, which to me seems a bit backhanded.  It's almost as though they're implying that when you were 20 lbs heavier, you were ugly as sin, which is not true.  Some women look amazing carrying a few extra pounds.  Need proof? 

 Queen Latifah

Dawn French

April Flores

Tell me these women aren't gorgeous.  They are all a bit larger than they are "supposed to" be, and yet they all radiate such amazing beauty that you can't help but be a little bit inspired by them.  I can't even imagine them looking any differently to the way they look now.  So why am I so resistant to the idea?

I know that the weight I lose from my slow lifestyle changes will change how I look.  I have no problem being a big girl.  It's who I've always been, and it's a role I'm quite comfortable with.  My only goal as far as appearances go are to have curves that are defined (like April's) instead of just looking like I do (all boobs, butt and belly).  Oh, and I want to have awesome upper arms so that I can tattoo them.

So, now I have this internal struggle that I hate having.  On one hand, I believe that I'm beautiful just as I am and fuck you if you don't think so.  On the other hand, I'm in crap shape, and at 35, I'm not getting any younger.  The older I get the harder it will be to lose the excess baggage, and I know deep in my heart of hearts that I need to get healthier. 

Logic and emotion should not be allowed to co-exist within me, because it's a battle that I don't want to fight.  Still, if I keep doing what I'm doing, at least I have a fair chance of winning.