Yeah, I only wish it was that kind of gym. That one might not kick my ass as badly as the one I actually joined. No jungle gym for me. We're talking mirrored walls, tons of beautiful people working out and making it look so easy I want to smack them, and equipment that I'm sure is one step away from being considered a Medieval torture device.
I know that logically, I'm doing it for health reasons. I'm doing it because I'm genetically predisposed to diabetes and hypertension. I'm doing it because my back and knees suck and I want to be able to walk more than a few feet without crying. I'm doing it to build up endurance and, yes, to lose weight.
The most difficult part about all this is how I feel about it, psychologically. As I said, this has mostly been health-motivated. However, for reasons I've never really understood, once you lose a few pounds, people constantly tell you how "good" you look, which to me seems a bit backhanded. It's almost as though they're implying that when you were 20 lbs heavier, you were ugly as sin, which is not true. Some women look amazing carrying a few extra pounds. Need proof?
Tell me these women aren't gorgeous. They are all a bit larger than they are "supposed to" be, and yet they all radiate such amazing beauty that you can't help but be a little bit inspired by them. I can't even imagine them looking any differently to the way they look now. So why am I so resistant to the idea?
I know that the weight I lose from my slow lifestyle changes will change how I look. I have no problem being a big girl. It's who I've always been, and it's a role I'm quite comfortable with. My only goal as far as appearances go are to have curves that are defined (like April's) instead of just looking like I do (all boobs, butt and belly). Oh, and I want to have awesome upper arms so that I can tattoo them.
So, now I have this internal struggle that I hate having. On one hand, I believe that I'm beautiful just as I am and fuck you if you don't think so. On the other hand, I'm in crap shape, and at 35, I'm not getting any younger. The older I get the harder it will be to lose the excess baggage, and I know deep in my heart of hearts that I need to get healthier.
Logic and emotion should not be allowed to co-exist within me, because it's a battle that I don't want to fight. Still, if I keep doing what I'm doing, at least I have a fair chance of winning.